I know. It’s late, you’re tired, you’re wearing scruffy old clothes..heck, you may even smell funny, because you’ve been postponing your shower since “something” always comes up at the last minute. Bed is looking mighty fine. The quiet time after your kids have finally conked out…priceless. As you head for the pillow, you feel something akin to joy at the idea of being vertical for a while. Then you look at your dear husband and you see the “come hither” look in his eyes. First thing that crosses your mind: “Is is insane??” Second thing: “Oh, no.” In roll the excuses, ranging from a fake headache (or a real one) to your stinkiness. But why?

Where did your libido go? Before the baby, you were probably randy as a rabbit. Now, you feel like a sloth, slow and maybe even hairy! You love your husband, and you really do love having sex with him…so why does the IDEA of having sex just turn you off at times? You know you should be grateful he looks at you, tired and disheveled, and wants to get it on. You know your marriage needs the chemistry and closeness. And let’s not forget that a good orgasm is the best remedy for a headache. Yes indeed it is. So how do you get over the hump and get your groove back?

1. Get Checked Out. First thing’s first: if you recently gave birth and you’re finding you’re (abnormally) tired, achy, moody, stressed, and have dark or violent thoughts, you need some help. Post-partum depression is real, and it effects millions of women every year. Or, perhaps you have a thyroid imbalance or other chemical issue. Do yourself and your love life a favor and head to the doctor for a full checkup and bloodwork. Also, if you’re having problems becoming aroused/lubricated or reaching orgasm, discuss that with your doctor. She can recommend something, whether it’s a medication, supplement, or product.

2. Make Some “Me” Time. In order to not feel so stressed and put-upon, you need to set yourself up as a priority. Making time to do the things you enjoy or need to do, such as exercise, reading, spending time with friends, etc., affirms that YOU, not just “mom” or “wife” are important. If you don’t satisfy that basic need of self-nurturing you will eventually resent your loved ones, and that becomes dangerous to your relationships’ health.

3. Take Care of You. This is about your body: get exercise, eat right. If you’re suffering from a nutritional imbalance or are overweight, you will feel sluggish and ugly, and your libido will be depressed. Also, get prettified at the salon. Put on some clothes, jewelry, shoes, whatever, that makes you feel and look good. If you don’t take care of your body, no one else will, and you’re no good to others.

4. Think and Act Sexy. Pay attention to things you never think about, such as the texture of silk against your skin, the smell of your husband’s cologne, the sight of his hands and remembering how good he is with them. Watch your man work or work out. Hand him the towel in the shower and offer to wash his back if he washes yours (he will, never fear!). Sit down with a glass of wine and reminisce about the hot, kinky times you have shared. Eat food with your hands and feed each other, like fruit or fondue. Dance. Put yourself in the mindset, and your body will follow. And he will definitely appreciate it.

5. Stop Making Excuses. Sex is important in a relationship; it bonds you, it created your children, it keeps the romance and connection alive and active. Men are very sexual–and so are women! Don’t deny him or yourself the joy and pleasure that sex brings. Don’t resent him for wanting you: feel flattered and happy! And remember that if a man gets a good (figurative) meal at home, he’s less likely to want to check out the competition outside the home! Sure, it’s an old-fashioned way to view it, but it also works both ways.